Before I did the reconstruction of this blog I had a list of things I claimed to be on this 'About Me' page. When I looked at it again and again and yet again.... I said "Am I that list? Am I a list?" I am not a list. If you would like to take a few minutes and get to know me. I wrote about me. Yes, and even changed the page/tab name. So, here we go- take a little journey with me.
I am the oldest child in the family. My parents divorced when I was 7 years old; my Dad remarried, Mom never did. I 'made my way' through school- I was the girl who was jumped, bullied and rejected. I did not have many friends and those friends I did have.... well I worked so hard to be someone that they liked, it was exhausting. I was sexually assaulted when I was 6 years old until the time I was 8. No one I told believed me and then just when I thought someone would help... they didn't. I was so happy -- yes happy-- the day came in which I became "too old" for him.
Boys did not like me. I found comfort in food and an ever expanding waistband. I was 13 years old when I first sneaked a drink of beer from my uncle's beer bottle and never stopped sneaking it for a long time. I smoked cigarettes from the time I was 11 years old until in my 30's. At 14 I found myself wanting boys attention and doing anything to get it. By the time I was 16 I had lost my purity, been drunk countless times, smoked a lot of cigarettes, smoked marijuana and dabbled in PCP.
In my Junior year of high school, I aimed for something positive and went to nursing school in the afternoons. I graduated 2 years later as a GPN [graduate practical nurse]. I failed the state boards by 5 points and decided I was sincerely the failure I always felt I was and continued partying, smoking, getting attention from boys. I did not know then there was such a void in my life.
By the time I had reached the age of 22 I claimed to be bi-sexual, I was having affairs with married or 'taken' men, I was a drug addict and I drank a lot. When I moved into a particular apartment [yes I always had a job, I needed to support all my habits!] someone had left behind a Bible. On a night when I was incredibly tired [ from a 12 hour shift at my job], lonely because no one was there with me, I opened it and started reading a book called Psalms. A few weeks later I went to the church down the street from where I lived. Yes this promiscuous, addict, alcoholic, lonely, beaten down, abused, selfish, self-serving lady walked in to that church.
I couldn't believe it. There were no pews [I grew up sort of Catholic]; no images, no holy water, no confessional booth. This is in no way saying anything about the Catholic church-- it is what I defined a church to be. They had Bibles, I didn't. They sang and clapped and shouted and danced. This was amazing. How could anyone be so happy about God? Yes, that's one of the thoughts that ran through my mind. How could anyone be so happy about God? I left confused. I left shaken. I left changed..... for the moment. I decided that moment that I could not be that happy, that God did not like me and I was doomed. I had always felt looked over, rejected, used, passed by.....and I lived that life..you know, the one you live how you have always felt? So I just went back to do what I was doing...what made me comfortable.
Phew, this is not so easy. A few months later I found myself back at this church. One day as I was sitting there, there was an altar call [I had started figuring out some of the lingo and knew this was a call to accept Jesus as Lord & Saviour]. Through the Sunday's I had been there I had heard that Jesus loved me just the way I was. I had a hard time believing that, I mean, has He met me? Has He seen me? He would forgive me everything I did. Um, does He know what I have done? What I am doing? I do drugs, I drink, I party, I love men. I break up relationships and marriages. I lie, I cheat, I steal. I am fake. I am phony. I am not even what I show myself to be. Really? Could this Jesus love me? 'No' I thought, 'He would just find out who I truly am and run. Just like everyone else. Run or hide or use or abuse or push me aside or look over me, pass me by. I am not worth it, I am forgotten, I just know my life was a huge mistake, I mean come on......look at me.' And He did. He looked at me, through me, inside of me. He saw me. Me, this harlot, this adulterer, this rejected, abused, raped, addicted alcoholic. He saw me. I knew He did. There is no way of explaining it. Right at that moment He was looking at me. The Saviour of the world. God's Son.
A few rows ahead of me a young lady, around my age, Jean*, turned and looked at me and said, "Are you ready?". Never have I talked to this lady, I knew her name because I would hear people talk to her and call her by name. She did not know me. But, at that moment, she knew what was happening to me. How Jesus was penetrating my very being. The moment is so surreal to me, I just stood up and started walking toward her, she slipped her hand in mine, "What am I doing?" I thought. Jesus, do you not see who I am? Who is this lady Jean? Why is she so willingly taking my hand? She has no idea how ugly and destructive I am. The next moment I was standing in front of the Assistant Pastor at this church, a big burly guy who is just a teddy bear. I heard myself say the Sinner's Prayer, I heard myself accept Jesus as my Lord & Saviour. I remember thinking "Does Jesus know who I am?". [A few weeks later this same Pastor would say to me, "He sees you'.]
A year passes, I had to change churches due to my work hours and... I meet a man named Ralph*. Ralph was wonderful, he was the ministry leader of the children's church. He was beautiful and he wanted to be my husband. I prayed and discussed and courted and fell in love. He was good. Too good my Dad would say. My Dad said one day, "Do not marry him. Not until you have had a disagreement and see how you settle it. He's too nice to you." I thought, "hmm, my Dad does not believe what I believe. And all those years I was starved for his attention--- NOW he wants to speak into my life??? NOW that I am happy? NOW that I have straightened my life out and am not a harlot, life destructing, alcoholic and addict? NOW???? I became angry with him but never voiced how I felt. You didn't do that with my Dad. A few months later he said, "Do not marry this guy. It's just not right, not a good fit for you." Again............. NOW? Because we did not really have my Dad's blessing, we did a quick Justice of the Peace and were married. Hindsight. Yeah.
The first few months were blissful! I was on cloud nine. Some friends from my old church were concerned about this marriage and told me so. 'UGH!' I thought, 'Why doesn't anyone want me to be happy?'. He loves me for who I am. He does not care who I used to be. He loves me. How eye-opening it would be the next few months of how much he did not.
It all started with my hours being changed to the graveyard shift at work. I worked in a factory and my machines were only to run on the graveyard shift for the next few months due to other machines around me be worked on during the day. From the day I came home and told him this news till the day I left the marriage [7 months], I was abused. Beaten. Called names. Pushed around. Punished. Raped. Hated. Told what a useless piece of crap I was. Locked up. Forbidden to speak, leave or whatever else he said. My beautiful husband had turned into a monster.
I never told anyone till after I left him. I did not want to hear the 'I told you so', I did not want anyone's pity. I just knew that Jesus---- He was not seeing me anymore. Yes, that's how I felt. He no longer saw me. I mean, I must have done something for Him to turn His back on me. And so..... there I found myself. Looked over, rejected, ashamed, alone. Terrified. What do you think I did?
A few months after leaving my husband, finding a new place and continuing working [yup, the graveyard shift]. I spoke with the Pastor's of the church I met my husband at--- and well, I will chalk it up to their lack of knowledge and experience, I love these men and everything that they stand for, however, they had no interest in helping me or removing Ralph from his ministry, nor did they have any interest in me returning to that church. Just before I was married I had also made a complaint against a visiting pastor that the pastors at this church loved so they did not want to believe me. I guess I was a lot to handle. I was not welcome. So, I left.
I went back to -- you got it--- drugs, drinking and sex. I do not know how it started. I just knew that I was lost, alone and ashamed. So yeah, met another guy and got pregnant. Here I was -- back to being the harlot, addict, alcoholic, life destructing person and I found myself pregnant. Now mind you, due to the sexual abuse in my life and probably a lot of decisions I did or did not make --- I was told I would never carry a child. Well, here I was, pregnant. And mind you, pregnant by a guy who had just returned to his ex-girlfriend and wanted nothing to do with me. So, here I was again, alone, rejected, pushed aside, ashamed......Abortion never crossed my mind. I knew I would love this child with everything I had. I knew, that I needed to talk with Jesus. So.... I did.... right there in my living room, dusting my Bible off, literally hearing the pages turn made my heart skip a beat, turning to those beautiful passages of forgiveness, the prodigal son, the love my Saviour had for me.
I decided at 9 months pregnant that, Jesus was good for my child. He may not like me but He will like my child. She will not be me. There I was before the Lord in repentance and using the measure of faith He said was instilled in me, I believed I was forgiven and that He would see me again. That He would see my child. Then she came. All 7 lbs 14 oz, 22 inches long of her. So beautiful, with tons of hair and big sparkly, curious, deep brown eyes. I continued to live my life the best I knew how, believing Jesus saw me and my daughter. I still had not attended a church in years, been in a fellowship of Believers had not happened in years, so, of course old habits came in. There was no more drinking and drugs, ever. But, there were men. Something "woke up" inside of me one day. A voice that said, "He sees you. He loves you." At that moment, my daughter had just turned 3 years old. That moment, I turned away useless relationships and decided to follow Jesus with everything inside of me.
It took only a few days to find a church close to me. We walked in and have never left. Now, what do you think Jesus has done with all that I have done to others? What do you think Jesus did with everything others did to me? What do you think He did with all my past, my pain, my hurts, shame, destruction, fear, hatred, loneliness? What do you think? He does not waste a hurt.
In 2004 I had major cardiovascular surgery where a man's fist sized tumor was removed from the anterior wall of my chest. Yes, I have wires. In 2005 I was diagnosed with hyperthyroidism and they killed my thyroid, so I walk around fooling my body everyday by taking a pill and making it think I have a functioning thyroid. In 2007 I was diagnosed with cervical cancer stage 2. Jesus gave me victory. He did. I am a living, breathing, testimony.
In 2009 I started a domestic violence and sexual assault/rape ministry where I peer counsel, help with resources, educate, bible studies, groups and love them with the love of the Lord. In 2010 I started a girls outreach for ages 5-17 years of age, to show these girls that they are not mistakes, they are worth their lives, that He sees them, He loves them..... oh how I wish I had a place like this when I was a child--- yes so that's why I did it. In 2012 I was set in as a Deaconess at my current church, the one I entered when my daughter was 3 and never left.
I have never gone back to my 'old' life. I am hopelessly in love with Jesus. I have learned so much from Him. There is no doubt, He sees me.
I believe this testimony is long to read and it was difficult to write! But, I did not want a list. I wanted you to know who I was, what Jesus has done for me. I may talk about more testimony in blog posts --- but I think this is a pretty good introduction.
I am a living testimony to Jesus Christ, His saving grace, His love and forgiveness. So, if you ever wanted to read proof of Jesus working in our times. Here I am.
*Names have been changed intentionally. I do not know the kind of life Ralph* is now living; I pray it's one for Jesus. I have truly forgiven him and love him with the love of Jesus.
Your Sister in Christ,
Lillian
I am the oldest child in the family. My parents divorced when I was 7 years old; my Dad remarried, Mom never did. I 'made my way' through school- I was the girl who was jumped, bullied and rejected. I did not have many friends and those friends I did have.... well I worked so hard to be someone that they liked, it was exhausting. I was sexually assaulted when I was 6 years old until the time I was 8. No one I told believed me and then just when I thought someone would help... they didn't. I was so happy -- yes happy-- the day came in which I became "too old" for him.
Boys did not like me. I found comfort in food and an ever expanding waistband. I was 13 years old when I first sneaked a drink of beer from my uncle's beer bottle and never stopped sneaking it for a long time. I smoked cigarettes from the time I was 11 years old until in my 30's. At 14 I found myself wanting boys attention and doing anything to get it. By the time I was 16 I had lost my purity, been drunk countless times, smoked a lot of cigarettes, smoked marijuana and dabbled in PCP.
In my Junior year of high school, I aimed for something positive and went to nursing school in the afternoons. I graduated 2 years later as a GPN [graduate practical nurse]. I failed the state boards by 5 points and decided I was sincerely the failure I always felt I was and continued partying, smoking, getting attention from boys. I did not know then there was such a void in my life.
By the time I had reached the age of 22 I claimed to be bi-sexual, I was having affairs with married or 'taken' men, I was a drug addict and I drank a lot. When I moved into a particular apartment [yes I always had a job, I needed to support all my habits!] someone had left behind a Bible. On a night when I was incredibly tired [ from a 12 hour shift at my job], lonely because no one was there with me, I opened it and started reading a book called Psalms. A few weeks later I went to the church down the street from where I lived. Yes this promiscuous, addict, alcoholic, lonely, beaten down, abused, selfish, self-serving lady walked in to that church.
I couldn't believe it. There were no pews [I grew up sort of Catholic]; no images, no holy water, no confessional booth. This is in no way saying anything about the Catholic church-- it is what I defined a church to be. They had Bibles, I didn't. They sang and clapped and shouted and danced. This was amazing. How could anyone be so happy about God? Yes, that's one of the thoughts that ran through my mind. How could anyone be so happy about God? I left confused. I left shaken. I left changed..... for the moment. I decided that moment that I could not be that happy, that God did not like me and I was doomed. I had always felt looked over, rejected, used, passed by.....and I lived that life..you know, the one you live how you have always felt? So I just went back to do what I was doing...what made me comfortable.
Phew, this is not so easy. A few months later I found myself back at this church. One day as I was sitting there, there was an altar call [I had started figuring out some of the lingo and knew this was a call to accept Jesus as Lord & Saviour]. Through the Sunday's I had been there I had heard that Jesus loved me just the way I was. I had a hard time believing that, I mean, has He met me? Has He seen me? He would forgive me everything I did. Um, does He know what I have done? What I am doing? I do drugs, I drink, I party, I love men. I break up relationships and marriages. I lie, I cheat, I steal. I am fake. I am phony. I am not even what I show myself to be. Really? Could this Jesus love me? 'No' I thought, 'He would just find out who I truly am and run. Just like everyone else. Run or hide or use or abuse or push me aside or look over me, pass me by. I am not worth it, I am forgotten, I just know my life was a huge mistake, I mean come on......look at me.' And He did. He looked at me, through me, inside of me. He saw me. Me, this harlot, this adulterer, this rejected, abused, raped, addicted alcoholic. He saw me. I knew He did. There is no way of explaining it. Right at that moment He was looking at me. The Saviour of the world. God's Son.
A few rows ahead of me a young lady, around my age, Jean*, turned and looked at me and said, "Are you ready?". Never have I talked to this lady, I knew her name because I would hear people talk to her and call her by name. She did not know me. But, at that moment, she knew what was happening to me. How Jesus was penetrating my very being. The moment is so surreal to me, I just stood up and started walking toward her, she slipped her hand in mine, "What am I doing?" I thought. Jesus, do you not see who I am? Who is this lady Jean? Why is she so willingly taking my hand? She has no idea how ugly and destructive I am. The next moment I was standing in front of the Assistant Pastor at this church, a big burly guy who is just a teddy bear. I heard myself say the Sinner's Prayer, I heard myself accept Jesus as my Lord & Saviour. I remember thinking "Does Jesus know who I am?". [A few weeks later this same Pastor would say to me, "He sees you'.]
A year passes, I had to change churches due to my work hours and... I meet a man named Ralph*. Ralph was wonderful, he was the ministry leader of the children's church. He was beautiful and he wanted to be my husband. I prayed and discussed and courted and fell in love. He was good. Too good my Dad would say. My Dad said one day, "Do not marry him. Not until you have had a disagreement and see how you settle it. He's too nice to you." I thought, "hmm, my Dad does not believe what I believe. And all those years I was starved for his attention--- NOW he wants to speak into my life??? NOW that I am happy? NOW that I have straightened my life out and am not a harlot, life destructing, alcoholic and addict? NOW???? I became angry with him but never voiced how I felt. You didn't do that with my Dad. A few months later he said, "Do not marry this guy. It's just not right, not a good fit for you." Again............. NOW? Because we did not really have my Dad's blessing, we did a quick Justice of the Peace and were married. Hindsight. Yeah.
The first few months were blissful! I was on cloud nine. Some friends from my old church were concerned about this marriage and told me so. 'UGH!' I thought, 'Why doesn't anyone want me to be happy?'. He loves me for who I am. He does not care who I used to be. He loves me. How eye-opening it would be the next few months of how much he did not.
It all started with my hours being changed to the graveyard shift at work. I worked in a factory and my machines were only to run on the graveyard shift for the next few months due to other machines around me be worked on during the day. From the day I came home and told him this news till the day I left the marriage [7 months], I was abused. Beaten. Called names. Pushed around. Punished. Raped. Hated. Told what a useless piece of crap I was. Locked up. Forbidden to speak, leave or whatever else he said. My beautiful husband had turned into a monster.
I never told anyone till after I left him. I did not want to hear the 'I told you so', I did not want anyone's pity. I just knew that Jesus---- He was not seeing me anymore. Yes, that's how I felt. He no longer saw me. I mean, I must have done something for Him to turn His back on me. And so..... there I found myself. Looked over, rejected, ashamed, alone. Terrified. What do you think I did?
A few months after leaving my husband, finding a new place and continuing working [yup, the graveyard shift]. I spoke with the Pastor's of the church I met my husband at--- and well, I will chalk it up to their lack of knowledge and experience, I love these men and everything that they stand for, however, they had no interest in helping me or removing Ralph from his ministry, nor did they have any interest in me returning to that church. Just before I was married I had also made a complaint against a visiting pastor that the pastors at this church loved so they did not want to believe me. I guess I was a lot to handle. I was not welcome. So, I left.
I went back to -- you got it--- drugs, drinking and sex. I do not know how it started. I just knew that I was lost, alone and ashamed. So yeah, met another guy and got pregnant. Here I was -- back to being the harlot, addict, alcoholic, life destructing person and I found myself pregnant. Now mind you, due to the sexual abuse in my life and probably a lot of decisions I did or did not make --- I was told I would never carry a child. Well, here I was, pregnant. And mind you, pregnant by a guy who had just returned to his ex-girlfriend and wanted nothing to do with me. So, here I was again, alone, rejected, pushed aside, ashamed......Abortion never crossed my mind. I knew I would love this child with everything I had. I knew, that I needed to talk with Jesus. So.... I did.... right there in my living room, dusting my Bible off, literally hearing the pages turn made my heart skip a beat, turning to those beautiful passages of forgiveness, the prodigal son, the love my Saviour had for me.
I decided at 9 months pregnant that, Jesus was good for my child. He may not like me but He will like my child. She will not be me. There I was before the Lord in repentance and using the measure of faith He said was instilled in me, I believed I was forgiven and that He would see me again. That He would see my child. Then she came. All 7 lbs 14 oz, 22 inches long of her. So beautiful, with tons of hair and big sparkly, curious, deep brown eyes. I continued to live my life the best I knew how, believing Jesus saw me and my daughter. I still had not attended a church in years, been in a fellowship of Believers had not happened in years, so, of course old habits came in. There was no more drinking and drugs, ever. But, there were men. Something "woke up" inside of me one day. A voice that said, "He sees you. He loves you." At that moment, my daughter had just turned 3 years old. That moment, I turned away useless relationships and decided to follow Jesus with everything inside of me.
It took only a few days to find a church close to me. We walked in and have never left. Now, what do you think Jesus has done with all that I have done to others? What do you think Jesus did with everything others did to me? What do you think He did with all my past, my pain, my hurts, shame, destruction, fear, hatred, loneliness? What do you think? He does not waste a hurt.
In 2004 I had major cardiovascular surgery where a man's fist sized tumor was removed from the anterior wall of my chest. Yes, I have wires. In 2005 I was diagnosed with hyperthyroidism and they killed my thyroid, so I walk around fooling my body everyday by taking a pill and making it think I have a functioning thyroid. In 2007 I was diagnosed with cervical cancer stage 2. Jesus gave me victory. He did. I am a living, breathing, testimony.
In 2009 I started a domestic violence and sexual assault/rape ministry where I peer counsel, help with resources, educate, bible studies, groups and love them with the love of the Lord. In 2010 I started a girls outreach for ages 5-17 years of age, to show these girls that they are not mistakes, they are worth their lives, that He sees them, He loves them..... oh how I wish I had a place like this when I was a child--- yes so that's why I did it. In 2012 I was set in as a Deaconess at my current church, the one I entered when my daughter was 3 and never left.
I have never gone back to my 'old' life. I am hopelessly in love with Jesus. I have learned so much from Him. There is no doubt, He sees me.
I believe this testimony is long to read and it was difficult to write! But, I did not want a list. I wanted you to know who I was, what Jesus has done for me. I may talk about more testimony in blog posts --- but I think this is a pretty good introduction.
I am a living testimony to Jesus Christ, His saving grace, His love and forgiveness. So, if you ever wanted to read proof of Jesus working in our times. Here I am.
*Names have been changed intentionally. I do not know the kind of life Ralph* is now living; I pray it's one for Jesus. I have truly forgiven him and love him with the love of Jesus.
Your Sister in Christ,
Lillian
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